My Dream. His Dream.

Doubts. I had a few.

Even after that wonderful Saturday night on 29/8, I had not less.

Was it God's voice or I made it up? Is it only my dream or is it His? Is that out of my personal ambition or His will... After all, I am still evangelical, very much bible-faithed. I had doubts. But at the same time, I am pretty sure of that Jesus moment because I've seen one, two...

Feb, 2006, Port Moody Library: on hearing "leave" I quit my ministry in Coquitlam to enter an unknown zone.

April 23, 2006, at the side of Edinburgh Drive: Jesus called me to love him "in His way, in His time." I almost chose to love him my way by going to Africa as missionary. I threw myself to the dashboard, shivered, cried under a starry night, as I recognized it's Jesus.

Nov 25, 2007, at Richmond Emmanuel Church: 10 minutes before I stepped on to preach a gospel message in a "very extraordinary way" - talk show comedy(Yes. I try new things!), I was calm outside, scared inside. There again, with Psalm 46, He said, "Fear not, I am with you." So I feared not.

June 3, 2008, nursery room in REC: I prayed. I waited. I invited Jesus to come, to come to me... we talked. "I love you, son. I find pleasure in you." Jesus said to me. It touched me deep, very deep. I wondered if it's really him. 10 minutes after my prayer, Jesus said this once again through the mouth of our special meeting speaker. Confirming it's Him.

I know what it's like when Jesus shows up, in a very personal way. I shouldn't have doubt. But I am a Gideon. The task is too big. The cost is huge. It is almost a mission impossible. It feels good & great in talking. It demands hardships, sufferings, tears & attacks... in accomplishing. I am nobody. I am old. I know it will do much harm if it is not from His calling. I asked God for double, even triple confirmation.

September 30, 2009, one month after my first calling. I was bathed in morning prayer for an hour something. I praised & worshiped. I waited. waited. waited. Then I talked to God about the calling again. I asked him for when to do it, where, what, who and how... "Do you really mean it?"

Then during my prayer, I remembered my hypocrisy many many years ago. Nearly 30 years ago, I wanted to express my love to other human being. I wanted to feel good about myself. "Marcus was a man of love." I went to sponsor an orphan in Poleungkuk (a HK charity). I brought with me some toys to the little boy & walked & played a little bit with him. My love lasted for 30 minutes. After that day, I never went back to visit or did anything for the boy.

I remembered this. And I repented to God. "God, how can this guy, with his love, achieve anything good for the poor world..." I did not trust myself, my love. And I wondered if God made a mistake or simply I made a mistake only.

Then I read Psalm 82. I used a new Chinese translation that morning. Normally I don't use that one. Here's my journal...

v.1-2: God judged his people of being not just, & not doing these...

v.3-4: "Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless;

maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed,

Rescue the weak and needy;

Deliver them from the hand of the wicked."

These words jumped out to me! Especially I was just struggling with Jesus about the orphan, the fatherless stuff.

v.5: All the foundations... are shaken (because of unjust, unrighteous, unfair...to the poor)

v.6: Who are to be blamed by God? The leaders of Israel (or churches)

I was praying again & reflecting on these. I said again to God. "I am scared. Really scared if all these visions & dream are my ambition, my dream, my my love, my my my... You've just seen my darkness. Stop it Lord, if they're not from you..." I was wrestling again.

Then I heard clearly. This time, no worship music & singing, without a doubt, I heard, "I have compassion for them."

I recognized this voice. I heard it before. I heard it somewhere. You know who said this? Where? ----------------------------> Matthew15:32.

It's Jesus voice. He said it to his disciples, before feeding 4000.

Tears just flooded out in this Jesus moment. I knew him. He is my Jesus. I was shivering.

Then Jesus said more, "I want you to lead my children, my people for doing this" "I will bless you" "This is the things that I want you to do."

So God pitied Gideon. Jesus was patient to me. I still struggle here & there, esp. the hows. But from now on. I know. I believe, without a doubt. This is not what I want to do. Yes it is. But above all, it is what He wants to do. I don't need to trust my love for the world. Mine is not reliable. I only need to trust Him, because this is his Kingdom mission. His heart. His love. It is all about Him & for Him.

I am so fired up. His dream becomes my dream. To see his love flooded to all nations, that one day, people from all tribes, all languages, all peoples standing before the Lamb, worshiping Him, and with me playing my part in this Kingdom mission, this is my focus. This is my business. This is my life.

In this world, there are fortunate ones. Like you and I...like my sons.

There are unfortunate ones. Like the HIV/AIDS orphans, oppressed and afflicted. Like my handicapped sister.

But there is a love, His love, through you and me. And there is the Gospel, Jesus Gospel, for our witnessing. When it meets the poor and the needy world, shared in love, life could be so blessed, so beautiful, so hopeful for the unfortunate as well as for fortunate.

So will you join me in His dream? Will you join me to bring it come true?

"Nobody can do everything. Everyone can do something. Together we can change the world." - Bravo!